Thanks a lot, Saturn. Have you been returning for the past ten years? When exactly will I catch a break, eh? What is the point of all this, except to drive me to the brink of crazy on a weekly basis.
Mum's recovering just in time for a new shit storm to blow into town. Generally speaking, I can look past the bad as a means to get to the good, but the good continually disappoints and mascarades as good when really, it's just a wolf in good clothing.
I hate this feeling. Cold and dead and numb. At least there's a bright side - I don't feel much like eating, so maybe I'll lose a few pounds.
*finger twirl*
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Needed: One Superhero
My Mum had a stroke last Wednesday evening.
I found out on Thursday morning. I think we all get 'that kind of phone call' at some point in our lives - the one that we're completely unprepared for, and it feels like the universe sent a giant fist down from the sky and punched you down into a puddle of 'who the fuck am I and what do I do now?'. That said, I was extremely grateful to have a good friend with me at the time who packed me up in a taxi and sent me to the hospital, lickity-split.
The stroke has affected her speech - she's having a very hard time putting full sentences together, and remembering words and names. Numbers don't even register. She's all there, inside - she just can't say what she needs to. All other systems are go, except that her blood pressure is through the roof. We're talking 'high powered corporate executive making million dollar deals daily' through the roof. Not good. They're having a hard time finding the right combination of meds to keep her at a normal level.
For the past few days, the phrase 'keep it together' has been my mantra. Right now, I feel like fucking screaming. My home is a mess, and I'm a mess, and I really don't want to keep it together at all, except that I know I need to for her sake and therefore I will continue to do so. But behind closed doors, I am anything but 'together'. In fact, I feel like writing non-stop gibberish with no spell check and no self check and typing FUCK in the largest, boldest font I can find.
I am not ready for this.
I found out on Thursday morning. I think we all get 'that kind of phone call' at some point in our lives - the one that we're completely unprepared for, and it feels like the universe sent a giant fist down from the sky and punched you down into a puddle of 'who the fuck am I and what do I do now?'. That said, I was extremely grateful to have a good friend with me at the time who packed me up in a taxi and sent me to the hospital, lickity-split.
The stroke has affected her speech - she's having a very hard time putting full sentences together, and remembering words and names. Numbers don't even register. She's all there, inside - she just can't say what she needs to. All other systems are go, except that her blood pressure is through the roof. We're talking 'high powered corporate executive making million dollar deals daily' through the roof. Not good. They're having a hard time finding the right combination of meds to keep her at a normal level.
For the past few days, the phrase 'keep it together' has been my mantra. Right now, I feel like fucking screaming. My home is a mess, and I'm a mess, and I really don't want to keep it together at all, except that I know I need to for her sake and therefore I will continue to do so. But behind closed doors, I am anything but 'together'. In fact, I feel like writing non-stop gibberish with no spell check and no self check and typing FUCK in the largest, boldest font I can find.
I am not ready for this.
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